Can we all agree that the joke about “not having 2020 vision” got a little too real last year?

Despite all the surprises, I was certain about one thing that I was going to do: move back to the States. I had lots of visions of how the rest of my year would look. Scares like coronavirus would flare up every few years, and then in a couple months they’d be gone. Feeling sure life would resume after a couple months at home, I got on a plane and flew back to Maine.

So as I got covid-tested and unpacked my suitcases into a spare room, I kept future plans spinning around in my head. Europe, or back to Asia? Language classes or work? How would my next adventure abroad work out? Well, as you can guess, that’s absolutely not what happened. That leaves me stranded here in the woods without a plan or a clear future.

These days I’m either feeling nothing at all, or a hundred and one different emotions at once. It’s safe to say that this isn’t an attack on me personally—nobody’s really living their dream life right now, so I’m trying to keep my perspective.

In a perfect world, I would be sharing news right now about upcoming trips, excursions in New England, or maybe stories from a new job. Instead, here’s an update on the only thing that has changed day to day: My feelings, which I’m going to share, if you’ve got the patience to keep reading and not just click over to a different and more exciting tab.

INCLUSION

When the #quarantinelife started in the States in March 2020, I was living comfortably in Taiwan, the gold standard of pandemic response. While I was going to the beach with friends, hiking mountains, and meeting people for dinner, everyone in the States was locking up their windows and quitting their jobs to watch Netflix. Though I was having a great time, survivor’s guilt sat on me like a trendy weighted blanket.

Now that I’m back, I’m definitely not living the dream. But 20 years from now, when everyone talks about how awful lockdown/shelter-in-place was, I’ll be able to say, “Yes! That really was awful, wasn’t it?” And feel not quite so excluded from history.

ANGST

I worked full-time as a teacher for three years. I wore myself out physically and emotionally. I needed a vacation!

I thought that these three months at home would see my artist career taking off Space-X style. Needless to say, it hasn’t. I’ve really gone out on all the limbs—released LINE stickers, designed t-shirts and mugs, started a YouTube channel…But with mediocre success, and very little in terms of income. When I review my work these past five months, and compare it to what I envisioned, I’m not entirely sure what I was expecting in the first place. Was I secretly anticipating an email offering me an artist-in-residence position at the Met? An invitation from the White House to do the president’s portrait? A million-dollar book deal?

All I know is that so far, I’m not self-supporting as an artist.

So I’m feeling a sort of angst where I don’t want to go back out into the work force, but I’m also evaluating the sustainability of an artist career. This in-between place is difficult, emotionally.

ISOLATION

My days in Taiwan were the most socially rich years of my life. I had a large circle of friends made up of all kinds of people from all kinds of places. When I came back to Maine, I found an America that I no longer recognized. The country is scared of hugging and going outside. People keep up their friendships through little square windows on a computer screen. Restaurants feel dismal, and once-bustling main streets are empty. The shock is tangible and has affected me emotionally and physically.

I miss freedom, which is a terrible thing to say about repatriating to America.

LAZINESS

Anyone who knows me knows that I love making to-do lists, schedules, and planning out long-term goals.

But I found out that it’s really hard to make plans when every day is the same. I used to think that the answer to reaching my goals was more discipline. Then, after I ran myself ragged trying to get everything done, I thought the answer was more time. Now that I have both time and discipline, I’m thinking that the path to goal achievement is none of the above.

It’s motivation, the “I can’t wait to get today started,” feeling. And that motivation comes from your lifestyle, not your discipline or your schedule. You’ve got to be living for something.

Someone said that this year in America, they’ve taken away everything to live for. With shops shut down, restaurant tables blocked off, and booths separated by plastic tarps, “going out” feels like more of a punishment than a privilege. The worst part is that there’s no estimate on when this is all going to end.

Our relationships with other people are essential. Staying Home And Getting Your Work Done, a dream we all dream at our busiest times of life, is actually a trap. I found that empty days, time to myself, and creative safe spaces only work when they’re balanced with family, friends, activities, and noisy city life. Maybe there are some Thoreau babes who thrive boarded up in a cabin, but that’s not me.

Meeting up with friends, struggling to hear each other in crowded restaurants, and getting the house ready for parties…That motivates me. And it’s been hard to get out of bed in the morning, knowing that all of that stuff I used to live for is indefinitely postponed.

But I still get out of bed, and I still try to make progress on my creative endeavors every day. The negative feelings are there, but they’re not owning me. My point is, sure, you can push a car from point A to B, but it’s a lot easier on you if you put gas in the engine.

INSPIRATION

Despite zero motivation, I feel wildly inspired. I’m flooded with ideas about what I can do with art, storytelling, and community, I just lack the motivation to get those projects started and completed.

I did just say a lot about the angst produced by feeling like I’m stuck in limbo. But when I take inventory of the past five months, I see that I did improve my craft a lot! And knowing that makes me feel like I can do anything. And feeling that way makes me excited about all the stuff I now have the discipline and patience to create in the future.

(We’re getting to the hopeful part of this post. Thanks for your patience.)

PRIVILEGE

Negative feelings aside, I know I am super privileged that I’ve been able to spend five months at home. After four years abroad, I needed to get to know my family again, to reconnect with Maine and to breathe some fresh air again.

In case the people who I live with get around to reading this post, let me reiterate that these feelings I’m having are more connected to America in general than they are to my current living situation. I’m grateful that I’m able to stay with family. But with the country as it is, I feel locked up, champing at the bit, wanting to live life and not being able to.

But I feel really, really lucky that I’ve been able to chill here for almost half a year. This would not have been possible without the support of my family. I’m not blind to the fact that I’m lying on a fluffy cloud bed of privilege, and I’m grateful.

OPTIMISM

Even though 1,001 things have gone wrong these past five months, I can’t shake the “something good is bound to happen” feeling. The Bible says if you sow in tears, you’ll reap in joy. If 2020 was so horrible, 2021 has got to have some surprises buried in it. And if not 2021, well then maybe next year, or the year after that, etc.

Bad things can’t hold on forever.

COURAGE

One of the hardest things that I’ve gone through this year is getting more honest. I’m really trying to end self-censorship and people-pleasing.

I used to be deathly afraid of disapproval. I monitored what I said, made sure everything that I wrote and posted offended nobody, and avoided disagreements like coronavirus. And as I become braver about what I say and do, that anxiety is being replaced by courage and devil-may-care.

People have posted mean comments on my YouTube channel. I’ve been put in FaceBook Jail for posting content that “violates community guidelines,” although they wouldn’t tell me which posts I offended with. (They must think it’s more effective to keep me guessing.) When I posted my political views on instagram, I was dog-piled in the comments instead of praised for thinking critically. And not to sound like some kind of monster, but I’m kind of feeding off the conflict and getting braver and braver.

For most of my life, I lived for other people. I shunned disagreements, and tried to find common ground with everyone. I told myself I was a peacemaker/peacekeeper, but soon I realized that I was just afraid of people’s judgment. And after all this crap that happened after I opened up about my beliefs, I don’t feel a drop disheartened. I feel encouraged to be even more myself. To believe more strongly. To have faith in things other people say are impossible.

Those are my current thoughts! If you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading my journal entry.

How are you doing this year? Leave me a comment to tell me how it’s going.